Your full time internship will consist of many trips to playgrounds, theme parks and water oriented locations (and no, the sand never fully washes out). Prerequisites for said outings will require 50 pounds of food, drink and necessities. Whatever you omit will be the item you really need.
Disposable clothing recommended, for if you aren't swathed in the remains of an art project or meal, it might be necessary to use as a cloth when potty training regresses and only adds to whatever it is you might have stepped on a minute ago.
Must be able to subsist on little sleep- alarm clock not needed. Subjects will wake intern religiously at 6am by jumping on bed.
Must know all the lyrics to all Disney soundtracks, every song ever featured on "Jack's Big Music Show", and must be able to decipher all new songs as they are sung by subjects- tune accuracy a must. Must repel all mainstream tracks and defer subjects to alternative kids' tunes at least once a week. Must assist subjects as they update parents' itunes with various requests.
Must have a running knowledge of all ice cream parlors within four miles at all times. Must also be able to locate kosher pizza within 5 minutes of request and maneuver minivan through Jersey Shore summer traffic without screaming profanities and risk subjects repeating said profanities. (Lance Armstrong gracefully declined internship, claiming "Even I can't live that strong")
Under no circumstances can intern plan to finish a meal, use bathroom facilities alone, or have phone conversations lasting longer 12 seconds.
Interns must do laundry three times a day, cook meals with perfect protein/fat/vegetable ratios and plan to have them rejected for peanut butter pretzels and plain pasta.
Other multitasking requirements essential, such as the ability to text message while pushing both subjects on swings placed at least 20 feet apart, memorize the PBS kids rotation of Sid the Science Kid for recall in between the 3rd and 4th reading of Gerald McBoing Boing, The Grouchy Lady Bug and Chicka Chicka Boom Boom.
Will also be required to solve some of the universes' eternal riddles such as: Why does sunburn happen on zinc covered regions/where is that @#$% glitter glue/what are they smoking on the set of Yo Gabba Gabba?
Above all, intern must be able to live by the following oxymoronic mantra: "Why, despite this exhaustion, frustration, filth and delirium am do I feel like the happiest, most blessed person on the planet?"
Send all applications to the Bellevue Psychiatric ward, where parents have taken up permanent residency.
